I have been getting little nudges from the Universe to write for a few weeks… so here it goes.
My soul seems restless. I miss people. I am at ease. My mind is content. I am eager. I am tired. I enjoy the slower pace. I love the change of seasons. Emotionally, I am the best I have ever been… yet, I have doubts. I need a direction. I am good, right where I am.
Welcome to the life of an A.D.D recovering addict.
Years ago, I made the decision to stop the self-destruction and join a 12-step program. That was 21 years ago, I haven’t had a drink or drug since. So, isn’t life supposed to be balanced and all sorts of wonderful, now? Isn’t it all supposed to make sense and fall into line?
Ha! Ya right…
Today, I am excited to feel all these emotions. I am thrilled to be at ease and eager, all in the same day. Sometimes in the same hour. This means I am okay. Today I am not numb. Today I am feeling, realizing, rejecting and discovering emotions and places to be. Yes, places to be. Sometimes I will camp out in the ease. Some days I will sit in the tired. There are so many moments that I just am…
A few days ago, I drove to Traverse City to celebrate clean time with a few close friends. It was wonderful. I love to celebrate people and their accomplishments. It gets me, out of me.
I sat listening to the people in attendance speak and I realized that this isn’t a contest and there is no finish line. We get too navigate at our own pace, make as many detours as we want and it’s okay.
If we don’t give up… we will make it.
I remember when the Pandemic began, it seemed to be a contest, of who had it worse? The stories were filled with despair and brought much anxiety. I read a blog that described it so eloquently, the author said that we were all trying to “one up each other” on how bad things were. Businesses were failing and people were filled with fear. Everyone wanted to blame someone, and nobody wanted to take responsibility. There seemed to be nobody at the helm, and we were headed into a colossal storm.
So, let me ask you this… What has changed?
Specifically, what did you do- to navigate the change? We all did something, what did you do?
Did you start building your immunity? Did your diet change? How about your daily routine? Change for the good? Or… not so good?
Did you embrace the down time and read some books? Did you spend endless hours on social media and become agitated and disgusted with your neighbors?
Did anyone use the time to study a new craft or build something?
How about your mental health? Are you taking care of your needs? Are you moving your body?
Examine what you did for a few seconds… Think about how you are feeling now.
Let that feeling settle for a few minutes… Close your eyes and just pause.
Are you proud of what you did?
Now, ask yourself this, Are you excited about your life today?
If not… why? Is it time to stop pointing the finger and looking for someone to blame?
This is not a judgmental question. It’s just a gentle reminder… Today is the day.
Today is the only thing you have control over… tomorrow isn’t promised, yesterday is gone…
What do you want to accomplish?
Are you content? Are you fulfilled and excited to face each day? Is this where you want to be, by this time next year?
In a country where we are judged by our social status… this is not a question about material gain or wealth. It’s simply a question about timing. Is it time to pick up the pace?
Very often in 12 step recovery, people focus on the shit show that brought them to the tables.
We call these stories, a drunk-a-log.
Too often we become our story. We are addicted to the pain. I ran across this image the other day and it spoke volumes to me…
We are not meant to remain broken. Feelings are not meant to trap us or to paralyze us. Passing through them, noticing them, allowing them to guide us… is the key.
When Paul died in 2012, I felt lost. I didn’t know up from down, the days blurred and blended and there were times when I questioned my sanity. I had no idea how to navigate the grief. I read all sorts of books to see if I was okay. I truly had no idea. I remember walking into a store a few weeks after his death and thinking, “Don’t you people know how sad I am? How dare you laugh and be happy? What the hell is wrong with you?”
I also remember the first day that I didn’t cry. I remember the guilt that I felt when I didn’t, need to cry.
I remember how horrible I felt, when a few days had gone by, and I hadn’t thought about him.
I read books, blogs, asked questions, got a spiritual healing session, visited a psychic and attended a shit ton of meetings. I felt the feelings. I healed old hurts. I came out a better person.
My point in all of that? We each have a choice. Each day, we are all given the same 24 hours. If you don’t like the person in the mirror- then change.
My friend Chris says, drink your water and don’t be an asshole. Some days, it’s that simple. Other days, I need to focus on my words, call my sponsor, ask for help and remind myself that I am the only one who can change me.
This pandemic is a wake-up call.
For a few, it’s been a time of discovery. For some, it has been a pause. For others, it’s a been a slow taking of the pulse… a gentle checking in… or a mindful gesture to one’s self. Maybe it’s been a total grind each day, or perhaps a time to heal?
I keep hearing, “Things will never be the same…” Isn’t that the case with each, new day?
And here are my two cents… things needed to change. If you’re looking for a reason to get unstuck, use this… You are worthy of more. You deserve another chance.
People let’s do better.
For crying out loud… let’s come back to helping. Caring. Allowing.
I shared a video yesterday about 9/11. (On my social media.) I wept while watching it. It took me back to a time when we were proud and strong. United.
I wept for several reasons. Because of the loss. The tragedy that brought us to our knees as a Nation. I also wept because it seems we have forgotten… what happened to “We will never forget”??
Coming into the new season, I usually embrace the changes and do a little reflection… I invite you to join me in reflection. Grab a pen and let’s write some lists…
Here are some of the things I am not proud of that came from this past six months… Some things I did, that made me very happy and some things I look forward to in the next year. (These are not my complete lists… just a few thoughts to help you get started on your own lists.)
*I judged people for their fear. I judged people for their lack of fear. I spoke negatively of people. I neglected my health- yoga, real food, regular self-care. Didn’t attend meetings regularly. Didn’t plant and work my garden. (GT took on the vegetables and we both did a few flowers.)
*I taught an online Yoga Class. I embraced some uncomfortable feelings. I read some great books. I made a ton of new jewelry. Spent time with my daughter and grandsons. Worked some steps. Made a kick ass tea recipe from scratch with herbs. Unfollowed and unfriended people that I really don’t have much in common with.
*Finishing my 12th step. Starting the step guide with ACOA. Reading some more great books. Writing more. More yoga. More adventures with my love. Spending more time with my grandkids.
As I write this… I have a pot of soup simmering on the stove and peaches on the dehydrator. I must confess… I like peaches. I never knew, I did. Really!! I have only eaten a few in my lifetime. I must peel them in order to eat one… but hey- this is new for me- they are delicious!! I am dehydrating them for a tea blend and next up, are apples!
I love this time of year!
Then it’s time for school colored, daisy chain bracelets!
Until next time, Peace and Love peeps…