Chapter 20

***If you’re just joining the blog, it may be helpful for you to read the first few posts. This is a story about my walk with my husband Paul in his journey with cancer. These are the email updates from 2011 and 2012, they were used to keep everyone in the loop along the way- with some of my own emotions and thoughts sprinkled in.

Update 4/30/12

Monday PM

Hello Everyone,

I am still asking everyone to send Love to Paul… it’s tough- he is pretty angry and I know the one thing that will conquer that- is love.

He was finally moved to a private room today. I am so happy! I can now stay in his room with him… I have stayed several nights in a hotel and several nights in the waiting room on the couch or recliner. It’s not so bad… they are super here. They give us pillows and blankets. Because of the U of M graduation, hotel prices have jumped from $60 a night to $159 a night and up.

Today was day 6 of his ten radiation treatments. I am not sure how he will be affected- they said some of the side effects are fatigue, and possibly some nausea. So far… he is good.

Thank God he has his own clothes here- he has jeans and sweatshirts- and he has gotten out of the hospital on a little road trip the fast few days… We asked the nurse if they need him for anything- and then we head out. Yesterday we took him to World Market and The Produce Station, and today we just ran to Kroger and for a ride around town. It brightens his mood tremendously… and he seems to be a little less agitated. (Also another visit from his Princess yesterday.)

I can’t begin to imagine what he must be thinking… but I know he has not been very happy. They said the steroids and the disease will affect him like this….not to mention the prognosis…

Speaking of which- the Chemo team came by again… Each time they come- the news changes.This is what I feel- is going to happen. I think they will try something experimental. I really do… Because they are still learning about what they are dealing with. It’s not that they aren’t knowledgeable- they are. They have been discussing it with other teams- and they now feel it may help him. They also mentioned 9 months to a year!

I am thinking that as soon as he is done here- he can develop a routine… get things settled… and he will start living again. It’s rough to be in a hospital with grim all around. It’s not easy that everyone on this wing, is an Oncology patient. It’s rough that each person here has his own story about how C has affected them… ugh… my heart aches.

Thank You to everyone for following us on the journey… for prayers, visits, good thoughts, money, love, and for taking care of Paul’s business and my work at the gym too. We love you all!

We hope to head home after his last radiation treatment next Monday… if not before. He may move to a hotel this week to finish out as an outpatient- and possibly go home Friday… not quite sure yet. I’ll be honest- that scares me. How do we transition? I guess we will find the strength for that- once we get to it.

God Bless…

Peace and Love,

Denise

 

***

Side Note:

Most days we would go down to the lobby and people watch. Somehow it soothed his nerves.

Here is a picture of Paul- People watching in the hospital lobby… 4.30.12

I look back at this picture and realize how much weight he lost… 😦

 

People watching

He was so edgy… he said hurtful things… would snap and grumble to the nurses or to whoever else he could… mostly it was those who were trying to help him. He couldn’t help it, the pressure on his brain from the tumor and the steroids were making him a bear. The steroids were also affecting his glucose levels, there were times when it was over 500.  I remember taking a lot of time-outs,  I would go my own way… cry- sit by myself and read… or grab a coffee or a snack and just hang out. Then the next moment- he would forget he was even angry.

It was difficult to see past the disease and to not take it personal. How do you allow someone to hurt your feelings- show up each and every moment and know that you were going to be the center of his anger?  How do you focus on the love and not the disease? How? I don’t know… but in the moment… you just do. You just do it… and you deal with the consequences later.

These are the things I am healing now. I am a firm believer that you can’t just stuff those feelings. I am a firm believer that if you don’t deal with the pain, the emotions, the fear, the stress… it will eventually come out in another way.

I also believe that those hurt feelings will turn you into a victim if you stay in the pain.  If I feed those emotions- I stay stuck. A victim blames others for the circumstances. A victim always lives with “what ifs” or it should have been… a victim gives away their power. A victim is not who I want to be… so I will continue to heal… continue to make right what was wronged. I will own my part, and I will make peace.

***

 

 

 

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