Chapter 29

***If you are just joining the blog, you may want to read a few of the previous posts to catch up,  this is a healing journey. It’s my story, as I walked along side of my husband Paul during his battle with cancer. We began this journey in 2011- these are the emails that I used to keep all of our friends and family in the loop. ***

Paulupdate 6.15.12

Hello Everyone,

Nothing really big to report, but because everyone keeps asking how things are going… I thought I’d send an email saying things are okay! Nothing medically happening that is noteworthy.

Auction is June 28th at 4:00 pm. Lambert’s will be doing the auction here’s the website  http://lambertauctions.com/ Its open to the public- so come and join us if you’d like.

Our renter is moving out on July 1st, so we are moving- really soon! Just as soon as we can get things done over there… just some basic remodeling and we should be moving mid July! (For those who don’t know, I held onto my place in Lake City when Paul and I married… we we had it rented. It’s a cozy little home in town, just a few blocks from the lake!)

We close on the sale of the Dighton house on Weds- and we are very blessed to have such amazing people supporting us in the sale… you know who you are. The people Paul was buying the home from- decided they wanted to buy it back. A huge weight lifted… and an answered prayer.

He is still taking his natural remedies- and has added Zango to his daily diet as well… we have a few new supplements and he is eagerly trying it all!

Paul has an appointment with the Oncology department on July 9th in Detroit. He is again wavering. He isn’t sure- but thinks he’d like to at least speak to Oncology again, so I think we will keep the appointment.

I have been reading him the book on the natural cancer healing, he is enjoying it- I think this is why he is confused again about chemo. A part of him says he needs to try everything…then he goes back to … it’s just poison! So… time will tell.

He is weak. I mean really lethargic…sleeps a lot. He can’t even walk outside without getting winded. It seems he is fighting a cold… a little chest congestion… raspy cough… but not bringing anything up. He also had a really bad pain the other night in his belly… a horrible ache… then it turned to constant… he took some pain meds- and it was better by the next day.

When new things happen… we always wonder… Is it the disease? Is it just something common?

My mind will go rampant with thoughts if I let it. We can usually talk each other out of the crazies… if we are willing to share. What I mean by this is… Have you ever had thoughts that you just know weren’t true… but you couldn’t stop them… couldn’t stop them from feeling real?  You know that you’re safe… You know you’re okay… but that dang fear just lingers and it takes over and then you start believing that horrible things are right around the corner… You know you’re covered in love… You know you are very supported and are okay… but… You just can’t stop wondering when is it going to happen?

Now… imagine the diagnosis Paul was given… each little symptom makes you wonder. Is this what it is going to be like? Is this the new normal? Is this how it’s going to work?

We usually talk each other thru those thoughts… I honestly think it’s the love and support from all of you- and the other hundreds of people praying for us. I can’t imagine how it would be without your support.

Each and every day someone surprises us with something. I am so honored and humbled by your generosity and love. I seriously can’t beginto say thank you, enough.

Thank you so very much for the gift cards, gas cards, greeting cards, emails and prayers. It’s not easy to accept such an outpouring… it’s difficult because there are so many other people in need… and you all chose to bless us. We thank you.

I miss you all at the gym… 

Peace and Love,

Denise

***Side Note:

I was very blessed in these days with being able to stay at home with Paul. The owners of the gym had my job covered and people all around us were supporting us in numerous ways.

The gym is a franchise 24 hour place with over 500 members… the people covering for me would print these email updates and post them on a bulletin board at the back of the gym. I was told that it was impossible to do any work because everyone kept stopping at the office to get an update. The emails began as a way to gain support from a few close friends… and grew to touch hundreds.

Many people scanned their key fob then walked directly into the board to read the update. It was surreal… I had such loving support and caring people all around me. The last count for the email updates was 120+ and there were hundreds of people in recovery who knew and prayed for us- my friends and family and the people they passed the emails on too- hundreds of people from the gym, my bookclub, people at Paul’s work… and complete strangers.

I received email messages from total strangers. People who had gotten the email from a friend and wanted to encourage us. I haven’t read through the emails recently- it’s been over two years… until today. Today I read them again- they are so encouraging, so uplifting, and all of you- kept encouraging me to keep writing.

Where does this voice of doubt come from? The one that says- really Denise? Come on- they were just being kind… You aren’t a writer. You never even went to college.  I am not sure where that voice comes from. And today- I don’t entertain it. No- I am not a professional writer.

I am a person who walked a scary path. I survived and want to share my story of hope.

Some day, someone else will read this publishing and know they are not alone. My wish is that maybe just one person will find a piece that feels okay to them. My dream is that it will help someone process the grief they are experiencing… and today- that voice that sends those messages of doubt? I know I must honor her. I must honor those parts of me- in order to celebrate the other parts of me. I don’t feed her tho… I don’t hang out with her. I don’t let her tell my story. The person who survived the walk alongside the Marine who didn’t… well- she is the one you’re hearing from today.

***

Paul update 6.20.15

Hello Everyone,

I am home now- came home last night- Paul is in the VA hospital in Saginaw. I brought him to the ER and they admitted him with pneumonia in his left lower lung area. It has been a rough few days- he has had a fever quite a bit of that time. He has had trouble adjusting to pain meds and also an allergic reaction to an antibiotic.

Please keep us in your prayers and good thoughts.

I am not going to go into detail about our struggles- I am going to praise God for his blessings. Seriously… we have had the roughest but the best few days! Paul has been laughing and joking and has had the best temperament during this stay.

As I sit here sipping my morning coffee… my eyes tear up with joy and sorrow. I am overwhelmed by the peace that I have been given. There are so many thoughts that swirl in…  then they swirl back out. The thing I do know is this… we will be okay. No matter what happens. We will be fine. This is just the beginning… really. I am so grateful for the love that we have.

This is what sucks… pardon me… but it does. Some people never get to experience what we have.

Some people go through their whole lives and don’t know this kind of love…

I have been given one of the greatest gifts God has to offer… and I am so thankful. It breaks my heart to know it’s only temporary… to know that in this human body- that I won’t have it forever… but in my spiritual body- I sure will. 

Paul is surrounded by love… Please understand that this is a time for our family. (And believe me.. we have a huge family!) Don’t take it personally – but we are asking to please give us some space. I know I have allowed everyone into our lives with these updates… and I love all the support we have been given. Financial, emotional,spiritual… the list goes on. What I need from everyone is to just send love and prayers. Lift us up- surround us in love. Please wait for the next update… I won’t be answering texts and such anymore. I need to focus on us.

I don’t know how much time we have…it could be months… it could be years… honestly- I do not know. My heart tells me it’s not the latter… we have many things that we need to do. When you think about Paul- just pray. When you wonder how things are… know that they are okay.

It’s not going to change much… and the details don’t matter at this point. Just know that I am taking care of me… taking care of him… and God is taking care of us both. The spiritual energy field that surrounds us is huge… the support that we have is wonderous. We have such beautiful friends… amazing people who take the time each day to help surround us in a blanket of love…

Thanks to everyone again for the giftcards- gas cards- emails- and greeting cards… we are so honored to have you all as friends.

Peace and Love,

Denise

*** Side Note:

Paul had a lot of pain in these days. We found out later that it was the disease in his bones. Bone cancer is so painful.

Once they got his pain under control- he became so peaceful and very playful. I loved this time with him. Hailey was there every day with me and didn’t leave my side. She was reading him jokes and stories from Facebook… We now know these as Meme’s- he thought they were the funniest things!

At one point- he said through closed eyes- with a huge smile on his face… “Cody and I are the luckiest men in the world- aren’t we?”

One of the greatest gifts I think anyone can give you is their time. Those days were hard… but rewarding. I am forever thankful for the time everyone gave us.

Another thing that happened while he was in the hospital- was that his social security disability was approved and he got a check for back pay. A friend of mine told me to let them know that Paul had a failed attempt at going back to work. I wasn’t familiar with any of that… so I just called the Marine at the Soc Sec office and told him those words. He started asking me questions-  and by the end of the conversation- he said he would be approved and he would get it going right away. Because Paul was off work in 2011 with his treatments and then with his recent diagnosis- they were able to use the original dates and approve his claim.

God had our back on that one too.

***

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