Chapter 36

*** If you are just joining the blog, you may want to read a few of the previous posts to catch up,  this is a healing journey.This is my story as I walked along side of my husband Paul, during his battle with cancer. The journey began in 2011- these are the emails and journal posts that I used to keep all of our friends and family in the loop.This began as a way to update everyone and soon became my therapy. You may notice that I jump around a bit, or that my grammar sucks… it is what it is. My Yoga teacher told me a few years ago… “How we do anything, is how we do everything” *** 3.3.13Today is a day that nobody wants… it has been pretty emotional and very tiring.I am over it.I realize how far I have come and how much more work I still need to do.I am pissed… I am hurt and throwing a pity party. Bottom line- the very HP that I trusted and relied upon… it seems has abandoned me. I know this isn’t true… but I can’t help but feel this today. I am at a stand still and moving forward hurts. I am in a fear based place. I had a good talk and cry… a hot bath… a few sad songs and here I sit in front of the computer looking for my answers… I know my God lives within me… this is where it gets confusing. If he lives within me- does it mean I already have the tools and the answers within me? If so… why do I feel so stuck? I just got back from a meeting. I ran up to Traverse City to get spiritually fed. I am glad I went. It really broke up the day. I need a nap and a good dream.  3.18.13 Okay so today is not my favorite day either…  Not my favorite by a long shot. I am still seething… so I shall just write a few positive things and let it go… can’t afford to flow in the negative today. (This will also be an edited post… all of the words that I wrote were necessary to relieve the anger and tension within me- those details will remain private. It is not necessary to point any blame.) Today I am grateful for my friends. I feel bad for the people who don’t have the type of support that I do. I loved my husband- and I am angry for this aftermath. I made a decision today to release some toxic energy and remove some people from my life. This is how I did it… I imagined a great big mass of vines and green seaweed flowing between each of them and me… slowly and ever so carefully- I untangled the mass and took back what was mine and gave them back what was theirs. I did it all in love. I wished them well and I prayed for peace. Today I blocked and removed Paul’s daughters on social media. (Insert swollen tear stained face… shaking hands and scared little girl. I was a mess.)This was a hard decision… a very drastic choice on my part. Again… one of the beautiful things I have learned is it’s okay to practice self-love and remove things that don’t build me up or add positivity to my life. Holy wow… I feel okay now. Here was a beautiful example of me, giving my power to other people. I stalked them, yup… I did. I wanted to see all of the things that I wasn’t included in. I was sick. I totally let myself spiral into a dark space… It was time to straighten up my act. It was time for me to grow up and to stop allowing other people to control my happiness. I believe this was one of the reasons I was feeling stuck.Another new decision is that I have decided to find a new job. It’s time. Tomorrow I shall start the day with gratitude and a new light… the light will begin with me.  4.12.13 Lots of changes coming at me lately… feels like the winds of change have just taken up residence on my street this year. This is what I am finding out- Love does conquer all- if I am willing to let it in. I have been hiding in some hurt lately. I have also played the victim and allowed myself to stay stuck. It’s a process of healing for me. I know it’s not a permanent place to rest… but some days it’s not worth the fight to move beyond it. Why is it that the things that are worth the most- require the most work? Don’t you wish that you could just wave that damn wand… you know the one… and make things all better?  I do. Yesterday was my last day at the gym. I had been there for 4 ½ years as the Manager and the time had come for us to part ways. It’s not a bad thing… it just is. That’s the hard thing about change… you can’t really stop it- and you can’t really initiate it when you feel like it’s “time”… it just simply happens when the powers greater than me- think I am ready. God hasn’t brought me this far to dump me on my butt… so I keep moving. Another of the recent changes has been owning my own power with people who are close to me and to stop giving that power to people who don’t have my best interest at heart. It’s tough when someone dies… lots of emotions and hurtful things come to the surface to be healed. And again- it’s not when I want it- it’s when God feels I am ready. I always have a part in it… it’s never someone else’s fault. I always… have a part in it. Today, my part is to love me- and not let people hurt me or pray on my vulnerability. Here’s something I want to urge every single person reading this blog to do- please- if your loved one is sick… or if you’re sick… be specific about stuff. Stuff is the one thing that will creep in and ruin relationships and old friendships. Stuff will also make people feel protective, greedy and angry. Stuff contains memories… Nothing will bring the person back. Nothing will make it hurt less. Nothing you keep or give will ease the pain. It’s just stuff. I had some big lessons here. I realized my fight to hold on to stuff was just holding my healing back. I am so stubborn. In the end… I released my attachment to the stuff and held on to the memories and that’s when the next layer of healing began. My life with Paul was short- too short. We used to sign cards to one another- and to say to each other- “Forever isn’t long enough”. My memories are still strong. My emotions still raw. I still cry every week- but sometimes it’s not over anything specific… sometimes it’s a slobbery, messy, screaming match with God. I usually win… seriously- he lets me have my fit… then- he comforts me with stillness and calm. That’s how I win… he doesn’t give up on me. I had a complete melt down a few weeks ago. I cried and cried and really threw myself a grand party. To top it all off- I had a honking big cold sore. Not only did I feel like crap… I looked like it too. Here’s the deal… the real deal… When I give other people my power- when I give other people the right to hurt me with words or actions… I am playing the victim. I had a crazy time that day. I woke up- did a meditation and cried for the rest of the day. It was as if I was praying for it all to happen… funny how it all did. Not in my perfect little, pansy toting party dress sort of happen… it was much messier… This God that you people taught me about… the one who will protect me, love me, keep me safe… give me the desires of my heart… never leave me… These are not the desires of my heart!! This is not the way that I had imagined things would be if I let someone love me… if I let all my defenses down… if I let someone in and didn’t hold back. Trust in the process you said… I trusted. Now I am broken and alone. My heart still aches. My mind still rests in the sadness and my life is not where I want it to be. I am a hot mess. How did this happen? How do I get back? How? One baby step at a time… that’s how. Day by day… one moment… one breath. In the calmness that I yearn for- I find my answers. In my heart- I find the softness… in my mind- is the chaos. I don’t like the noise. Breathe in…. breathe out…. One breath at a time. I need to remove things and come back to the basics. That’s what I am doing today. My heart keeps leading in the direction of a new business… and I hope that I get to explore it soon. Be blessed my friends… and thank you for your love.Denise ***Notice the next date- a full year later***  6.18.14 I feel like I have abandoned my old friend… my writing had stopped for so long that I honestly don’t know if I can gain the rhythm back. I have had a long winter. We all did. It’s now summer and the mood is light and the season for growth is upon me once again. First of all- I must say- I am feeling healthy- good inside and out. My life has changed so much in the past year- it’s crazy. It’s been over a year and a half since I ate meat. I am vegetarian now. I eat fish on occasion- but not often. I now work at the hospital, in the sleep clinic and I am still doing massage- but now my table is at Cadillac Massage Center. AND… I just completed a 200 hour, six month certification to become a Yoga Instructor. It was strange how it all happened… but the short version is that I did it. I pushed through all of the fear. Pushed through all of the lies that I seem to make up when things don’t go my way. I did it. I am so excited… and a little scared too. Honestly…. I am scared of the changes. I am so busy right now- I am not sure I could do one more thing. And… then- I met a guy. Yup. I met a man. I have been talking to him for a few weeks and I really like him. This is hard for me to talk about… to make sense of… I am not sure of a few things. But I do know that it feels good to be attracted to someone.  I am not losing the memory of Paul. I will always have that. I am just continuing to live my life. I am finally picking up the pieces and living, truly living. My day usually begins at 5:40am- and I am out the door by 7:20… I don’t usually pull back into my driveway much before 7:30-8:00pm… and that’s just with massage and the hospital. How in the world am I going to teach yoga and have a relationship? Okay- reality is this… I knew that I was supposed to study and learn.. I did my part. Now I am waiting for the rest of the picture to unfold.  I knew I was supposed to teach and I did it. People keep asking- where are you going to teach? When are you going to do classes? My answer is- I will know when I am ready and when the time is right. For now… I am just sitting with the new knowledge and gaining strength with it. There is so much to know. SO much. My heart tells me that I will be teaching one on one classes. More like personal training- more like Yoga Therapy… and helping people heal. There isn’t anyone in our area who does this. And then- this guy comes into my life out of nowhere… his name is Thomas, by the way, and he makes me laugh. Damn, it feels good to laugh. So tonight, I am just starting the flow again… just gaining some strength in my words and will be back again real soon. Peace and Love. Denise

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