The New- Old me…

Hiya Everyone!

Today is the first day of writing/blogging without the story of Paul. For those of you who are just joining my blog, My name is Denise. I am a daughter, sister, recovering addict, mom, Massage Therapist, grandma, Yogi, self-proclaimed foodie, widow, artisan, wife, writer, Health Coach, and friend.

My path to blogging was an outlet to tell my story of healing. It now continues… just as the healing continues.

I lost my husband to cancer in 2012. I have since, remarried, became a Yoga teacher, stopped teaching Yoga, and am settling into a new life of semi-retirement. Yup… at the age of 53, I am now working part-time as a Massage Therapist and making jewelery.

I started writing at a young age, I wrote poetry and used writing as an outlet. I am the first person to admit that my grammar isn’t the best. My spelling is close behind… I write like I talk, and if you want to criticize me for it- that’s on you.

I want to use this blog to tell life stories. To share things that really mean something to me… I want to share love, frustration, hope, shame, ego, more love, and even more love. The world needs more love.

I am a survivor. I was sexually abused as a very young child. I used drugs and alcohol to escape my life. I started drinking at the age of 12. My life wasn’t/isn’t horrible, I have some very good memories. I also have some not so good memories.

I got my first DUI in 1993, my last one was in 1999. (There were several alcohol related arrests, I am not a felon, but I am just one drink or drug away from that too…) My journey into recovery was through a 12 step program. I was court ordered, and have been clean and sober since. 1/14/1999 is my clean date anniversary.

I surround myself by people who believe in me, I have learned that everyone that should be in your corner, may not have the ability or the tools to be in your corner. Today, I get to choose who I let in.

I am motivated by pain. When life hurts, I look for a solution. The scale isn’t as drastic as it once was- I get moving a lot quicker than I used too! It no longer takes an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs to make me stop hurting myself.

A dear friend of mine taught me a valuable lesson. Stephanie B is her name. We were at a nice restaurant in Grand Rapids with a group of wild women. We were sober, but we were having a good time. We were loud. Laughing and talking over each other… you know how that sounds- right? I began to get uncomfortable. People dressed in their Sunday best, were staring at us and they began to whisper and nod towards us.

I leaned over to my friend Stephanie, and I said “Shhhh… people are starting to look at us.”

Stephanie leaned back to me and said “Don’t ever shush me. I am perfectly capable of owning my own guilt, shame and embarrassment.”

Gulp.

I just sort of slid back and pulled inward. Then it dawned on me… she was right. Why would I be embarrased because of someone elses actions? I wasn’t loud. I wasn’t shouting or laughing hysterically. (I realize now how much I wanted to be that person tho…)

That was one of the most valuable gifts anyone has ever given me. Freedom.

I no longer have to own someone elses shit. Ever. That means that I can let you dress how you want, act how you want, talk however you want. I can let you cut people down, I can let you correct every little thing about those in your life… AND- I don’t have to own any of it. None. Zip.

What a relief! That was a turning point in my life.

Truly.

One. Of. The. Best. Gifts. I. Have. Ever. Been. Given.

So… if you have been living your life trying to please everyone around you, trying to conform, trying to shelter your friends and your family from shame, guilt or whatever… Let-That-Shit-GO!

Thank You Stephanie… I owe you a lifetime of happiness, for that pearl.

 

Until Next time…

Denise

 

 

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