How you do anything…

Hiya Everyone,

My yoga teacher said this to us during the first week of our 200 hour teacher training… “How you do anything, is how you do everything.”

Ponder that thought for a minute… is it true in your life currently?

how you do anything

Today is a cloudy, cold, rainy day… I have a pot of soup on the stove. In my soup, I have ground organic turkey, organic diced tomatoes, a can of kidney beans, organic chicken broth, frozen organic veggies, diced zucchini, rainbow couscous and a whole slew of spices. That thought popped into my head as I was throwing things together for soup. How you do anything… is how you do everything. It’s true for me.

In life, I make due with what I have. I make soup just like I handle life. I throw into the pot, whatever is in the pantry and the fridge. Life is the same… I create my reality with what is in front of me.

I form an opinion… then change it just as quickly with whatever new information I am given.

Rarely is my life Black and White. I have never been a goal setter or saver, I pretty much just see how much money I have and that’s my budget.

I can be a rule follower in every aspect of my day… then, I will skimp on a recipe or just wing it. Why is the thought of forming a habit terrifying to me? Why is the thought of creating a routine… just not okay in my world? Why can’t I be more rigid and be a planner? It’s just not who I am.

I have many friends who are planners, and my husband is also a great planner. Me? I can roll with whatever the day brings.

I have never understood someone who follows the weather forecast. I get up, if it’s warm, I dress for it. If it’s cold, I dress for it. If it’s cold, wet and raining, I make soup!

I will wait until the very last week to file my taxes, I will drive my car until the gas light comes on… and I do not have idols or people who I look up too.

A few weeks ago, we had to fill out a questionnaire for my Dr. Sears Health Coaching classes. I hated it. In so many ways, I am an open book. I will tell you details of my life and not blink an eye, but- this questionnaire just didn’t settle with me… I didn’t like it.

Why? Because it made me realize how “stunted” I am in many ways of my life. I am a pretty mature person. I have always been an old soul. I have always hung out with older people, and my husband(s) were all older than me. BUT… I am pretty immature in many ways! True story.

On the “intake sheet” or the client information sheet, it asked similar questions:

What are you most proud of in your life?

What skills helped you achieve the above goals?

Name two people who you look up to or admire?

What are your short-term goals? (6 month or less) What are your long-term goals? (5+ years)

I had a long talk with my sponsor after that week of class, and I realized with her help… that I still have some work to do.

Why did that client intake form make me so upset? Why did it feel so personal or invading? Because it made me realize that I am not wired like the majority of the people taking this course. I am a 53 year old woman that has never gone to college. I don’t plan. These questions don’t apply to me. What motivates me? Pain. Pain is my best motivator. I move faster when it hurts.

I realized that I don’t have people I look up too because people have let me down and have bailed on me. (Some of the very people who should have protected me and taught me to feel safe and secure, just weren’t present.)

What are you most proud of in your life? (What came to mind was all of the things I have quit, all of the things that I have “half assed” and the disappointments that I have stumbled through.)

What skills are you most proud of in your life? (I have been clean and sober for over 20 years… is that a skill?)

Name two people who you look up to or admire? (I don’t have any… wait- yes I do… my sponsor is one of them. My past sponsor is another.)

What are your short-term and long-term goals? (I don’t have any. Really… Just trying to finish this class and get through today… this week. Next month… ya know?)

Those were my initial thoughts. The reality is, I have a damn good life. I have many things to be proud of and many people to thank. I have overcome much and it didn’t just happen because I showed up. I worked at it. I worked damn hard.

I had a friend in recovery ask me a question once, we were talking about relationships and fear.

He asked, “What are you so afraid of?”

Of being hurt, of course.

He then said “You have never let anyone in close enough to hurt you. You push people away, you leave them! Nobody has ever broken off a relationship with you, you’re always the one to leave.”

True.

He then asked me to make a list. He wanted to know what I was looking for in a relationship? Make a list of all of the things I wanted from a man.

I made the list.

He then asked me to look at my list, and ask myself, if I was, all of those things? He told me that I couldn’t expect anyone to be those things for me, if I wasn’t those things for someone else.

That was a turning point in my life.

I stopped trying to find someone to save me. I started saving myself.

I started to peel back the layers and I examined what I saw. Underneath the armour was a terrified little girl who had her ass kicked by life. She was wounded and alone. Now fast forward to those questions… is it any wonder that I don’t have goals?

So… that being said, This week- I am setting some goals. I am no longer that little broken soul. I have healed. Why then, is she still dictating certain areas of my life? Why am I still acting like I am wounded?

 

goals

Today, I am going to create a Wellness Vision for myself. I am worth it. It’s time.

Thanks everyone for being in my tribe… you guys rock.

Until next time, Peace and Love Peeps.

 

 

Memorizing vs Learning

Hiya Everyone!

I had a light bulb moment this morning in the shower… let me back up a bit and explain the scenario, so that you can understand …

I am currently enrolled in classes to become a Health Coach. Not just any classes… I am enrolled in the Master Level Certification Course with the Dr. Sears Institute. This segment is 20 weeks and it is the “psychology behind change”. It’s called the “Master Level” for a reason. It requires each student to master the information.

Anyone can become a health coach, and many people are trained to motivate people, or are applying healthy principles in their lives…  It’s something that I have been doing for a bit… so, why not become certified? Right?

All of that aside… This course has been kicking my a$$!

orange

One of my friends asked me about the classes a few weeks ago, my response? I am not loving it anymore. I really am not enjoying it and I don’t know why. She said she was sorry, and hoped for me, that I could find some joy in it.

I thought about that for a long time… I even tried to find the joy. I set aside my attitude and my dislike for certain parts… and I was faking the joy. I didn’t know how to find joy in something that I didn’t like.

I will be the first to tell you that I love to understand why things work the way they do. I will also tell you that playing a dime store shrink has been my side job for a long time… truly. So… why is this information not sinking in?? Why did I spend most of the day on Sunday in tears? Why??

This material is not designed to memorized… it’s designed to be learned and understood.

Those two concepts are not the same!!

Most of my life, I have been A.D.D, I memorize information and then just as quickly, I forget it… I study to pass a test, then most of the information is gone.

This course is not designed to be memorized.

I must learn it.

I must understand it.

I must know it.

That is what our instructor has been saying… “a deeper understanding.”

I did not pass the second exam. (This segment is broken down into trimesters, we are tested on each three separate parts.) I was so upset… I cried. I literally felt defeated and wanted to drop the course. I felt like the exams were designed to trip us up or trick us… I was throwing a huge pity party… I spent two hours on the phone with my sponsor. My eyes were swollen and I felt like such a baby.

I felt incapable.

She helped me to understand many things… the most important concept, was that society gives us rewards by praise, by grades and by acknowledging our work. I have been conditioned to “know my worth” in these ways. I have been taught to understand my feelings, by how you may feel about me. I feel better about me, when you appreciate me or the work I have done or am doing.

Let me repeat that… I have been conditioned to know my worth… by how you feel about me or the work I am doing.

My idea of finding the joy in this class has been by “passing”! Really… just passing is what I wanted.

I felt like such a failure… I have been studying my butt off and then… I fail. I have devoted so much time to reading each night. I have sacrificed time with friends and my husband to study. I show up each week, I do my homework, I do the required reading and pass the quizzes… then when I log in to take the 90 minute timed, open book exam… I BOMB.

I sent a nasty little review about the test and this past 6 weeks… I was ready to quit. If I hadn’t spent so much time and money already, I would have quit. That’s why I called my sponsor.

I needed to understand, if this was old behavior? Or if I was in over my head? I was asking permission, to just bag it.

She is a wonderful woman who gets me. She told me this information is hard. She uses motivational interviewing, compassionate communication, appreciative inquiry and all of the other information I am studying, each and every day. (She even uses it on me.) By the way, those are the books we are studying.

She told me that this information is not designed to be taken in an online class. It’s best learned by applying it and using the principles with other people. This is probably the hardest way to grasp the fundamentals of “Motivational Interviewing”. (Okay… so that made me feel a little less incompetent.)

She also told me that because of my conditioning, it’s going to be even harder for me to understand- Not impossible… just harder. (Okay… I am breathing a little easier … the tears are not from defeat now… they are from within… from someone actually seeing me.)

She then asked me, about finding joy in it. I still didn’t understand that concept. How could I find joy in something that I am failing? I was breathing easier, it all felt less personal.. but I still wasn’t sure.

I sent the instructor an email, I apologized for my harsh words in the review,  I asked for more information. I told her that I was contemplating quitting the class. I explained that I would never use the “certification” and wondered if it was possible to just take the rest of the class without having to take the exams. Yup. It is possible. But… she urged me to continue.

She said she has watched me in our break out sessions, she has watched my video’s and she knows that I will be a wonderful health coach. She also mentioned the fact that I got a 77% on my first try on the exam, that- shows that I do know most of the material. (We have to pass with an 85% or better.)

I am sharing this because I don’t think I am alone… This is a new concept for me… finding joy in something that I am not understanding… or not quitting when I feel defeated.

My instructor also pointed out that she knows I understand the concepts of motivational interviewing and if I stick with this last part of the class, it will all fall into line. Okay… what do I have to lose? By the way, my sponsor asked me that question.

grace

So… moving forward… but… still trying to process and understand this.

All of this.

I had a conversation with another friend about the test, the class and not loving it. I explained the above scenario in detail… and how he could probably relate to my feelings… he was raised in the same way. He is a local person and he gets me…

He shared a story with me… he races mountain bikes. (Or fat tire, or dirt bikes… whatever he races… the point is- he signs up for a race and competes regularly, what he races is not important.) Anyway, he told me his favorite race of all time, was the one that he came in DEAD LAST. Seriously. He said that young girls and senior citizens beat him. He said, he wanted to quit. He wanted to- just- give- up. He wasn’t in shape, he wasn’t ready to compete…

He told me the story and painted a visual of the day. It was a super hard course and he hadn’t trained properly. He got around the first lap, mostly uphill… and saw his car in the parking lot. It would have been so easy to just keep going towards his car… He could ride over, pack up and head home.

But… he committed to doing another lap. He was really struggling. He finished another lap, then he realized that he could do the last… He knew that he had it in him, to finish the race.

When he finished, the was ecstatic. He was so happy that he committed and finished… he was proud of himself for not giving up.

I was flabbergasted. I asked, How in the hell do you find joy or happiness in coming in last place?? Honestly, it was making me anxious just thinking about it.

He told me that he kept hearing his dads voice. “Who are you competing with? The people who have trained for this? Or yourself?”

He said there was another race recently that he came in 7th out of 9th… and he felt the same way. It isn’t about winning. It isn’t about the grade. It isn’t about the people at the finish line who are throwing you a party… it’s about committing to something and knowing you have what it takes, to do it.

Dont stop

Just for today… I will suit up and show up. I am capable.

By the way, I did re-take the exam, I got a 96.5% on my second try. I don’t say that for an “atta boy”… I am saying that to show anyone who is still doubting… I got this…

And, so do you.

If you’re struggling today, if you are reading this and really don’t know why or how… don’t quit. Talk about why you’re struggling, chances are- you’re not alone.

Until next time, Peace and Love Peeps