My yoga teacher said this to us during the first week of our 200 hour teacher training… “How you do anything, is how you do everything.”
Ponder that thought for a minute… is it true in your life currently?
Today is a cloudy, cold, rainy day… I have a pot of soup on the stove. In my soup, I have ground organic turkey, organic diced tomatoes, a can of kidney beans, organic chicken broth, frozen organic veggies, diced zucchini, rainbow couscous and a whole slew of spices. That thought popped into my head as I was throwing things together for soup. How you do anything… is how you do everything. It’s true for me.
In life, I make due with what I have. I make soup just like I handle life. I throw into the pot, whatever is in the pantry and the fridge. Life is the same… I create my reality with what is in front of me.
I form an opinion… then change it just as quickly with whatever new information I am given.
Rarely is my life Black and White. I have never been a goal setter or saver, I pretty much just see how much money I have and that’s my budget.
I can be a rule follower in every aspect of my day… then, I will skimp on a recipe or just wing it. Why is the thought of forming a habit terrifying to me? Why is the thought of creating a routine… just not okay in my world? Why can’t I be more rigid and be a planner? It’s just not who I am.
I have many friends who are planners, and my husband is also a great planner. Me? I can roll with whatever the day brings.
I have never understood someone who follows the weather forecast. I get up, if it’s warm, I dress for it. If it’s cold, I dress for it. If it’s cold, wet and raining, I make soup!
I will wait until the very last week to file my taxes, I will drive my car until the gas light comes on… and I do not have idols or people who I look up too.
A few weeks ago, we had to fill out a questionnaire for my Dr. Sears Health Coaching classes. I hated it. In so many ways, I am an open book. I will tell you details of my life and not blink an eye, but- this questionnaire just didn’t settle with me… I didn’t like it.
Why? Because it made me realize how “stunted” I am in many ways of my life. I am a pretty mature person. I have always been an old soul. I have always hung out with older people, and my husband(s) were all older than me. BUT… I am pretty immature in many ways! True story.
On the “intake sheet” or the client information sheet, it asked similar questions:
What are you most proud of in your life?
What skills helped you achieve the above goals?
Name two people who you look up to or admire?
What are your short-term goals? (6 month or less) What are your long-term goals? (5+ years)
I had a long talk with my sponsor after that week of class, and I realized with her help… that I still have some work to do.
Why did that client intake form make me so upset? Why did it feel so personal or invading? Because it made me realize that I am not wired like the majority of the people taking this course. I am a 53 year old woman that has never gone to college. I don’t plan. These questions don’t apply to me. What motivates me? Pain. Pain is my best motivator. I move faster when it hurts.
I realized that I don’t have people I look up too because people have let me down and have bailed on me. (Some of the very people who should have protected me and taught me to feel safe and secure, just weren’t present.)
What are you most proud of in your life? (What came to mind was all of the things I have quit, all of the things that I have “half assed” and the disappointments that I have stumbled through.)
What skills are you most proud of in your life? (I have been clean and sober for over 20 years… is that a skill?)
Name two people who you look up to or admire? (I don’t have any… wait- yes I do… my sponsor is one of them. My past sponsor is another.)
What are your short-term and long-term goals? (I don’t have any. Really… Just trying to finish this class and get through today… this week. Next month… ya know?)
Those were my initial thoughts. The reality is, I have a damn good life. I have many things to be proud of and many people to thank. I have overcome much and it didn’t just happen because I showed up. I worked at it. I worked damn hard.
I had a friend in recovery ask me a question once, we were talking about relationships and fear.
He asked, “What are you so afraid of?”
Of being hurt, of course.
He then said “You have never let anyone in close enough to hurt you. You push people away, you leave them! Nobody has ever broken off a relationship with you, you’re always the one to leave.”
He then asked me to make a list. He wanted to know what I was looking for in a relationship? Make a list of all of the things I wanted from a man.
I made the list.
He then asked me to look at my list, and ask myself, if I was, all of those things? He told me that I couldn’t expect anyone to be those things for me, if I wasn’t those things for someone else.
That was a turning point in my life.
I stopped trying to find someone to save me. I started saving myself.
I started to peel back the layers and I examined what I saw. Underneath the armour was a terrified little girl who had her ass kicked by life. She was wounded and alone. Now fast forward to those questions… is it any wonder that I don’t have goals?
So… that being said, This week- I am setting some goals. I am no longer that little broken soul. I have healed. Why then, is she still dictating certain areas of my life? Why am I still acting like I am wounded?
Today, I am going to create a Wellness Vision for myself. I am worth it. It’s time.
Thanks everyone for being in my tribe… you guys rock.
Until next time, Peace and Love Peeps.