It’s been a minute since I have posted a blog, I have been enjoying my summer… Today it feels like Fall… I am excited for Fall. (Don’t hate me… I am one of the crazy Pumpkin flavored everything lovers… )
The other thing I love about Fall, is the transition in me… I get to slow down. I get to re-group. I use the seasons to check in with me. I allow the seasons to guide me. In Ayurvedic Medicine, the Seasons are a time to shift… your body wants to shift. Trust me.
So another reason I am writing today is because I have an opportunity tomorrow to speak at a recovery meeting. It’s not a huge deal, it’s maybe 40-80 people… Each week, one person opens the meeting- we call it a “Lead Speak”. Tomorrow is my turn. It can be ten minutes or it can be twenty… You don’t have to have a specific topic… you can just share your story.
I have been thinking about what I should share. In recovery, they teach us to share our ES&H… which is short for Experience Strength and Hope. The problem is… I feel like a Comedian- who needs new material! You ever watch someone and think… damn, I have heard this before. They need to get new stuff… that’s my fear.
So I was chatting with a sponsee yesterday and decided I would speak about “Having fun in recovery” Or “learning how to have fun” in general. It’s sad, like really sad… because most of us recovering addicts- don’t know how to be silly. We were not taught how to feel safe and to be child-like.
How many times did you hear, “Grow up… stop it… Behave… Act your age”??? I know, I did. It’s almost like I skipped that stage… being a kid.
So today, as a 53 year old grandmother… I am learning to be okay with being silly. To not take myself and other people so seriously. I can let you be you… and I can not carry your shit with me… I don’t have to look for your reaction to be okay. I don’t need your approval today. But… that was a process. So- that’s what I am going to share at the Lead Speak.
I also think I will talk a little about allowing other people to feel their own pain. Say what?? Ya… that’s hard, I know… but it’s necessary. I can’t save the world. I can barely save me. Along those same lines, I wanna mention what it feels like or how to recognize when we need to be aware of something. When we need to address an old wound…
A few weeks ago I posted something on social media, I won’t share what it was, because I don’t want to call anyone out. But here is the thing that sort of miffed me. (Is that a word? Please don’t go grammar Natzi on me…) Anyway, a person commented on my post, to “one up me”. (Or that’s what it felt like… and that feeling, alerted me to an area that I need to look at- in me.)
I am not even sure if they did it on purpose. But here is what I have learned about me over the past 20 years of soul searching and digging… people are brought into our lives to teach us something about us. When people irritate us, “miff” us, or in general just rub us the wrong way… it’s usually something about ourselves that we don’t like. (Here is where you can smack your own forehead….)
SO… I have to check myself. I have to look within to see why or what is going on? I have to genuinely look at myself and understand why it bothers me. Am I like this? Do I do this to other people? Is it my ego that is being challenged? Why does it bother me??
Someone once told me “If you spot it, You got it.” At the time, I wanted to smack them upside the head… really. What?? But when I step back… I can see clearly.
If I can recognize a defect of character in someone else, it must mean that I am capable of this action myself. Most of the time, it’s something in myself that I do not like. Sometimes, it’s an old wound that I haven’t addressed.
How is this done? How do we heal those old hurts? How do we not keep picking at it and finally let it go?
1) The first step is recognize that you want to change.
2) The second is to make a decision to change.
3) The third step- and this is HUGE, we have to make a decision to allow other people to not be okay with the new us. (Insert new decision, a change… whatever you’re trying to do.) Too often we will abandon our idea or our commitment, when we are challenged by someone in our group.
Here’s an example… Let’s say that I want to stop eating potato chips. If I make a decision to not eat potato chips, and my friend buys me a bag of my favorite kind… I should be able to politely refuse the gift. If my friend gets upset and says something like- “That’s the the last time that I buy you anything….” (insert eye roll here… really- my friends don’t treat me like this… but follow along- this is good.)
If my friend couldn’t honor my change or my decision, and they started pressuring me… and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings… so I ate the chips to not hurt their feelings…. this is what I am talking about.
We have to be okay with allowing people to disagree with our decision and to allow them to not be okay. It’s not up to me, to make sure everyone is okay with my evolving. I am constantly creating a new version of me… remember?? I get to be whoever and whatever, I chose to be!
Okay, I completely got away from the social media post… backing up to the post. What was so upsetting about the comment? Why did I get irritated? Because I felt like this person was making me look dumb. (It wasn’t their intention… I know… but it stung a little.) Why??
It stung a little because I have not gone to college. I don’t have a degree. I know a lot, about a lot… but I am not a college graduate. Why is it hard for me to allow people to know more than me?
When this happens, I breathe deeply. Settle back into my truth… and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am smart. I have a good handle on many things. I am not an expert on them… but I am enough.
My name is Denise, I am a Daughter, Sister, Friend, Mother, Wife, Alcoholic, Addict, Sponsor, Sponsee, Grandma, Sexual Abuse Survivor, Reiki Master, Artisan, Widow, Writer, Massage Therapist, Yoga Teacher, Blogger and Master Certified Health Coach. (I passed! 😉)
A friend reminded me of this the other day, she asked “How many initials do you have behind your name now, Denise?” I may not have a college degree… but I am not dumb. I am enough.
Be kind ya’all… check yourself. Make sure your motives are good.
Oh… and random funny thing happened yesterday. (I told GT that I was going to blog about it and he said I was a glutton, that people would have a field day with this… so here it is…) Yesterday while I was making a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup, I burned my chin. I grabbed a spoon from the drawer to taste test a noodle to see if they were done… I slurped, it slipped… it landed on my chin. Yup… I have a burn on my chin from a noodle. A welt. It stuck- like a melted piece of plastic… damn, it hurt. Okay… so that’s me not taking myself so seriously. That’s me being silly. I can laugh at me today. Hope you can too….
Peace and Love~ Until Next time….